The Secret Sceptre Affair

I like The Secret Sceptre Affair, which is set in an unspecified and probably Muslim county, possibly in North Africa or the Middle East. I wasn’t so keen on it at first, but it’s growing on me. High points – cat!Illya, an extremely stuffed bear, ‘You’ve got something that belongs to me,’ and the whole very serious narrative surrounding Napoleon and his relationship with his former Korea commanding officer, Col. Morgan. This is an episode which gives a rare glimpse into Napoleon’s past, and his vulnerability. I even ended up writing a little post-episode story based on it, set on the evening when the Affair ends.

I think it’s rather beautiful that Napoleon and Illya parachute in by night. This is the kind of thing I imagine them doing rather more often; being flown in under the radar in the dead of night and slipping out into the freezing air, before landing at their target. Usually they take a 707.

There’s always that messy business of what the hell to do with the parachutes.

It’s also rather beautiful seeing Napoleon and Illya do this catalogue-model joint watch-checking manoeuvre. It’s worrying that Col. Morgan is late. Apparently he was obsessed with time keeping. Things are off to a shaky start.

Instead of Col. Morgan we get Zia (played by Ziva Rodann, who is Israeli, so at least approaching the right ethnicity for the part.) Zia is rather wonderful, because she drives with extreme competence (which is good, since they’re set upon by armed bikers immediately upon leaving), she’s dedicated, and loyal, and generally stalwart all through. Morgan was called to a staff meeting at the last moment. He’s probably dunking chocolate digestives and talking about quotas.

 

 

There’s Something Fishy about the armed bikers, who let off a few rounds then stop and grin at each other. We sense a Set Up.

 

 

Later, in a fortress out in the desert, Napoleon and Illya finally get to meet Morgan. Illya hangs around in the background looking suspicious, of course.

Look at all that rampant mysteriousness. Illya is an inscrutable Russian.

There’s an assumption that there’s a traitor in the organisation, with Morgan being summoned away, and the motorcycle police appearing. Hmm…

Are these two going to sit facing Morgan? Hell no. They’re going to face each other, knees as close as possible. But anyway, we learn that Napoleon and Illya aren’t exactly there with U.N.C.L.E. blessing. They couldn’t find enough evidence to back Morgan’s claims against Premier Karim, who won his post democratically. And far be it for the U.S. to wade into other countries’ democratic processes and interfere using violence… So, essentially both Napoleon and Illya are here entirely because of Napoleon’s trust in his old commander. Ah. They can act under their own discretion, but only using sleep darts, not bullets.

So Napoleon came along because of his faith in Morgan. And Illya?

 

Illya becomes beautifully Russian. ‘It is inevitable. A man must die a little every day.’ Oh, Illya. You put it so wonderfully.

So, Morgan persuades Napoleon that all they need to do is break into the national armoury and steal a ‘sacred sceptre.’ Apparently ‘two million primitive tribesmen’ hold the sceptre in such reverence that they would follow the person who possesses it as if ‘he were Allah.’ Hmm… You see, I think they’re suggesting it’s a Muslim country, but the words ‘Muslim’ and ‘primitive’ hardly go hand in hand.

Zia launches into a passionate speech about the loyalty Morgan has for this country, how he fought for it, bled for it, protected it. He’s the country’s wet nurse and its conscience. Morgan is the be all and end all. It’s ‘the only meaningful accomplishment of my life,’ Morgan tells Napoleon.

Nice background there. I think these things blend in better in black and white.

 

Sneaky agent. Napoleon is all ready to tranquillise the hell out of those guards outside the barred area where the state treasure is kept.

But in his impatience, Morgan yanks the door open before Napoleon can shoot the other one. (Illya, why are you wearing a smart jacket for this?) So instead of being safely tranquillised, the other guard is hit over the head by Morgan – much less reliable.

Illya’s standing there thinking, ‘At some point in the future, I will find myself tied by my wrists to these bars with a rather annoying wannabe actor/go-go dancer.’

Illya + bars + suit jacket. Mmm.

That’s no sceptre, Col. Morgan! That’s a bass recorder!

Oh, okay. It is a sceptre. I’ll give him that.

And here’s the problem with Morgan’s impatience. No, that’s not a guest appearance by Thing from the Addams Family. The guy Morgan hit has come round, and hits the alarm.

Illya’s little oral shrug when Morgan tells him to cover them as they run. I don’t think Illya has ever been quite sure about Morgan. I think he’s wondering how much he’s going to have to die today.

Valiantly, Illya joins the fire fight while Napoleon and Morgan scurry out through a hatch in the ceiling.

Illya! Gas! No!

Gas or concussion from a grenade. Whatever. Bad Things are going to happen to Illya.

 

It’s like we’re going to go into the Chimney Sweep routine from Mary Poppins. But Napoleon is worried about Illya. ‘The concussion got him,’ Morgan tells him, and makes Napoleon leave.

Meanwhile, poor Illya gets hauled up and shaken and slapped very hard.

The Premier arrives. So does his mother.

I think this woman should either play a Vulcan matriarch, or an Andorian. She’d make a good Andorian. Or a Romulan. Her son’s a Romulan, anyway. He played Subcommander Tal.

Aww, Illya. It’s wonderful how he manages to be captured but casual all at the same time.

Zia is over the moon to see Morgan back with the recorder – ahem, sceptre. Napoleon is mightily pissed off at leaving Illya behind, though.

Morgan is going to leave by helicopter. Napoleon is changing, and really peeved at leaving his lover behind. Morgan is packing the sceptre, cunningly, into a tennis racquet case.

‘Anyone for tennis?’ Napoleon quips, but in a pissed off tone. You get the sense that he’s already very disappointed in Morgan and feels he isn’t the man he used to know.

You get lots of meaningful glances between Morgan and his man. Enough to make you know Something Shady is Going On.

Napoleon and Zia stop in a charming little area of pampas grass (native to South America) to watch Morgan flying off in the helicopter.

We learn that Zia has been with Morgan for five years, since her parents were killed in the revolution. So he’s like a father figure, I assume.

There’s gunfire, and – boom! The end of Morgan, we’re supposed to believe.

So, one of Karim’s men, Ahmed, comes in to tell him that the bodies were burnt beyond recognition. Is that the globe that they’re always posing Robert Vaughn with in the background? But, anyway, we learn the juicy titbit that it wasn’t Ahmed’s men who shot down the helicopter. Well…

After Karim has stormed out in high dudgeon because they didn’t find the sceptre in the wreck, Mummy Karim slyly beckons Ahmed over to tell him that her son is under high stress, so perhaps Ahmed better, well, you know, perhaps he should report to her. Just to make things easier for Karim.

Okay, so Zia and Napoleon are sneaking about the city with the sceptre. There are French words on the buildings, which makes this look more like North Africa. The people in this country strike me very much as Jewish or Caucasian, not Muslim at all.

Napoleon, sneaky devil that he is, breaks into a clothes shop so that Zia can go and find something to wear that’s a bit less obvious than a military uniform.

Zia’s not keen, but amazingly inside she finds not only a full set of clothes and shoes, but also a hair stylist, or perhaps a pre-styled wig. Well done, Zia!

I love this little interchange. (Also, look at Zia’s hair!) Like hell is Napoleon going to leave his partner behind in a nasty jail cell to be beaten and tortured. He’s willing to shoot his way in, one man against an army. Luckily Zia knows about a secret passage.

Napoleon suggests Zia might want to sit this one out. ‘Fuck that,’ Zia replies, only in more ladylike language.

Napoleon thinks of a marvellous hiding place for the sceptre. It’s a wonderful hiding place, until you imagine the shop owner coming to work, and thinking, ‘Hmm, I didn’t put that there...’ and then investigating. I suppose as long as they’re back before opening hours it’ll be fine.

Another glimpse of what the city is supposed to look like.

They’re somewhere under the main building when we get this poignant little interchange. Oh, Napoleon.

A gate slides closed in their path, but Napoleon isn’t going to let steel bars keep him from Illya.

The box with the gate release in it contains a rather dodgy animatronic snake. Luckily Napoleon is wearing his watch upsidedown. Long story short, he finds a stick for opening the gate after that lucky escape. Illya, they’re coming for you!

So, Subcommander Tal – sorry – Karim – gets a couple of unexpected visitors…

And we hear Napoleon utter one of his most precious lines ever in the history of the series.

 

Then Napoleon utters his next most precious line ever in the history of the series.

Napoleon is not messing around. Not where Illya is concerned. When Illya’s in danger he ramps everything up to another level.

 

Karim seems utterly bewildered when Napoleon tells him that Morgan told him Karim was planning a coup. Nothing quite adds up right here. But Napoleon doesn’t believe him. ‘Against your word stands the record of Col. Morgan’s whole life. An unblemished record that very few men in the world can match. I knew him,’ Napoleon says. Interesting use of the past tense there. I suppose it’s because he thinks he’s dead, but it can be read on another level.

Here comes Illya, looking a bit weary, a bit suspicious. He’s been stuck in a foreign jail cell, poor thing, and I imagine they haven’t treated him according to the Geneva Convention.

Then, oh, Napoleon. He was hiding behind the curtains. This is like a man appearing at your door with a bunch of flowers. He’s so pleased with himself. Hiding from Illya, in a way, since the guard was supposed to stay outside. Sensible precaution in case of the guard coming in, but I like to think he was wanting to give Illya a lovely surprise, too.

Cannily, Napoleon shoots Karim with a sleep dart, and they leave.

Illya spends a lot of time looking rather disconcerted in this episode. Anyway, they arrive at a garage where a man named Jan has a car for them. Luckily Jan sleeps in his garage.

As they leave, Jan pulls a dust sheet off the roof of the car. And X marks the spot.

Confirming he is a fink, Jan calls up Mummy Karim to tell him they’ve taken the car and he thinks the sceptre is in a tennis racquet case… We learn in this little interchange that she is going to make Captain Ahmed the Premier when she has the sceptre.

Meanwhile, our men and Zia are driving around the dusty roads of rural south California. They’ve just been spotted from a plane.

Illya looks rather resigned at being captured all over again. Ahmed rather gloatingly points out the X on their car.

In the tennis racquet case is – a tennis racquet. They search the car but find nothing.

Illya is so good at hovering and looking suspicious. They give Napoleon five seconds to say where the sceptre is. He doesn’t, and they don’t shoot.

So, they’re brought to the bear pit. I get the feeling Illya feels the same way about bears that he does about dogs. I rather like the moment when Mummy Karim asks, ‘And you are?’ and Napoleon replies, ‘Does it matter?’ and she says, ‘Not in the slightest.’ I like this because you get the feeling that she’s so sure of herself that no one else matters, but also because it means Napoleon’s name still isn’t connected with these events. Napoleon is relieved, at any rate, to discover there is going to be a coup. Morgan only got the name wrong.

Illya seems very much not willing to be torn apart by a bear.

It’s all right, really, Illya. I think this bear was dead for about thirty years before someone hollowed it out and put a man inside.

Illya is wearing the expression of a man who Doesn’t Want To Be Eaten By A Bear.

Timing, Illya. Timing.

With one second to go before they open the cage, Napoleon tells them they win. I love the way he keeps his hand on Illya’s shoulder all through this scene.

How sweet this is. Anyway, Napoleon tells them to send the ladder down. He keeps making little shush signals to the other two, then putting his hand back on Illya’s shoulder.

Cunning, Napoleon.

I just love Napoleon’s leap from the ladder.

Illya grabs the gun and lets off a few shots. Go, Illya!

Illya and Zia don’t look entirely convinced that this plan will work.

They’re going to go out the way the bear comes in. Unfortunately, Illya runs out of bullets.

Not A Real Bear.

Escape! A woman’s screams come from the bear pit. Oh dear, Mummy Karim.

Cat!Illya! No one can resist a cat.

Never trust a cat.

At the last minute they remember to take that blooming X off the car.

So, our heroes are at the border. There’s an electric fence and a minefield. But they watch as a tour bus is let across. It comes to visit the ruins.

Illya. Binoculars. Pretty.

Napoleon cunningly hid the sceptre behind the radiator grille. When he pulls it out he notices the end is loose. Didn’t he notice that it rattles, too? Anyway, it’s full of diamonds and other jewels. The implication here is that they realise then that Morgan has betrayed them. But I don’t know why it’s a given that Morgan knew about the diamonds. Unless they were put in later, and Napoleon knows that?

Illya looks dismayed too.

Next thing we know, Illya pushes the car off down a slope, then runs like the wind through the pampas!

Go, Illya! You’ll miss your bus!

These two are already on board.

Just as the bus is about to be searched, the car goes boom! Rather than being told to wait at the checkpoint, the bus is just waved through.

Illya, I know it was tempting, but not a good idea as you’re just going past the security blockade.

Not how I’d approach walking in a minefield, but heigh-ho.

Marseilles at last! Zia asks if Napoleon is sure he wants to do this. Napoleon doesn’t, but he says he always keeps his promises.

It’s a big, empty house. Empty except for one man.

It’s rather telling that Morgan is pointing a gun at them.

If Morgan knew Napoleon at all, he’d know he was in trouble.

The big reveal. The sceptre is empty. (Wouldn’t it be great if he’d pulled a bass recorder out of the case?)

Morgan threatens to shoot Napoleon if he doesn’t tell him where the jewels are.

This is the face of a Not Happy Napoleon. He is furious. Morgan has lied to him over and over. He almost got Illya killed. Napoleon is extremely peeved.

Morgan asks why Napoleon came. There’s a deep sadness in Napoleon when he answers. He knows that Morgan was going to kill him to protect his identity. Napoleon had hoped that Morgan might return the sceptre himself. Morgan is just consumed with bitterness and greed. He’s fought his wars and now he wants his payment.

Morgan is on the brink of shooting them both. But as always, Illya has Napoleon’s back.

Illya calls out to him first, perhaps to spare Napoleon the trauma of seeing his old mentor shot in front of him? But Morgan turns and shoots.

It’s too late for Col. Morgan. Illya is a much better shot.

Who’s holding on to whom? Napoleon can’t watch, while Zia can. This reminds me a little of the scene in City on the Edge of Forever when Edith Keeler is run over and Bones is holding Kirk.

 

I feel like there’s a glimpse of Napoleon the child here, Napoleon the young man in Korea, as well as Napoleon the agent. ‘He was just tired of fighting for other people’s causes,’ Napoleon says. ‘He wanted something for himself.’ That’s almost forgiving.

End. Soft music. Zia supposes they’ll be returning to New York, but Napoleon needs to return the sceptre. He’s an honourable man. He also makes little flirty overtures towards Zia. ‘Maybe I’ll stick around for a few days.’

Illya’s face…

The face of a man who doesn’t know how his partner can go from watching his trusted mentor’s character disintegrating entirely, before he is shot, to thinking about how much sex he can get on a three day break in Marseilles. The face of a man who knows he’s just been relegated to chauffeur. But he’ll do it, because he knows Napoleon will always come back to him in the end.

FINIS